Anyway, I think John and Rodney versus the Undead would be hilarious. Kind of like Shaun of the Dead in space.
"Zombies," John Sheppard announced breathlessly.
Elizabeth was inclined to dismiss that rather dramatic announcement, as she often ignored Sheppard when he'd experienced a little too much downtime and spent far too much time in the science labs with Rodney and Doctor Zalenka. In fact, the zombie issue should have been written off just like past incidents, such as the day they decided to spend their downtime trying to see if they could convince Atlantis to let them reroute the plumbing in Kavanaugh's quarters so the toilet would flow into the shower (it had – she'd heard the howls of a dripping and disgusting Kavanaugh long before he reached the control room), or the time McKay appeared in her doorway, sort of hopping on one foot as he skidded to a stop, just long enough to announce that Major Sheppard had gone a little insane for some reason and was perhaps a bit homicidal and could she possibly have security hunt him down and restrain him? Sheppard's frustrated shout of "McKay you absolute bastard!" had cut that interesting conversation short and sent Rodney running, with John in hot pursuit, several rodent-shaped robots clinging to his shirt and hair.
That was when she'd started ignoring them, operating under the theory that, like most pre-adolescents, they'd stop acting up if she stopped gratifying their behavior with her attention.
Bates, unfortunately, didn't seem to be in on the plan. "Zombies?" the security officer repeated doubtfully.
John nodded, wide-eyed and slightly frantic. He was more tousled than normal, and dressed in civilian clothes – a worn windbreaker, battered sneakers and a t-shirt that proclaimed "Pilots do it at Mach speed" in bold, stylized letters. Elizabeth cast it a slightly disapproving glance but it was technically his downtime, so she didn't say anything.
Bates was still trying to get additional information. "What kind of zombies are we talking about, exactly?"
The look John gave him would probably have caused foliage to wilt. "What, there are different kinds? They were dead and moving and I think one of them tried to eat me."
"Eat you?" Elizabeth asked.
John help up his arm. The windbreaker was torn and ragged. "Tried. Bullets don't work, by the way. Can I have a flamethrower?"
"We don't have any flamethrowers in the weapons inventory, sir," Bates said, then he was on the radio, barking for a response team.
Elizabeth could no longer, in good conscience, claim anything was impossible although she denied the existence of Santa and the Tooth Fairy under the heading of plausible deniability (although just about every other mythological figure had turned out to be a Goa'uld, so she was just waiting for the day, she really was) but really, this was a bit much. "Where were these zombies, Major? And why didn't Atlantis alert us to the situation?"
"How should I know? The entire city locks up because a biologist catches an Athosian STD, but zombies are allowed to roam freely. Maybe the Ancients never watched any Romero films."